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Mar. 9th, 2010

self

lack of everything and anything.

i hate. hate. having this feeling overwhelming anger. it's really for no reason. irrational anger. i can feel it when it's happening yet i never know it's coming. i wish i could just open up my chest and let it out. what's a realistic way of getting rid of this? what's a healthy way? talking? venting? crying? screaming? therapy. probably therapy. let's recap the day? maybe that will put it in perspective.

woke up.
disappointed kaleo didn't call me in the morning (afternoon.)
disappointed kaleo didn't call me before work.
had a guy with an eyebrow ring tell me i was cute before going into work.
work work work.
ate a chicken salad sandwich from a vending machine.
work work work.
ate twizzlers from a vending machine.
waited for girl to get down with work that i told i'd take home.
drove her home to vista way.
got lost going to the boardwalk.
got lost some more.
lost.
lost.
found it.
not impressed.
kind of annoyed by the lack of atmosphere.
missed a call from kaleo.
called kaleo. voicemail.
called kaleo. voicemail.
texted angry message.
kaleo called.
angry fight.
unsettled. feel stupid.
didn't wanna stay anymore due to feeling awful.
left.
drank rest of my wine.
talked to momma.
waiting for kaleo to call.

generally a stupid day. i feel stupid. this feels stupid. i'm done.

i just don't want kaleo to become too busy for me. and when he does this now what's it going to be like in the future? if i can't handle this now how will i handle it later? fight or flight. i fly way too often. i haven't had nearly enough bruises.

i have to wake up early tomorrow. the class i signed up for (and missed last week) is at 8:30AM down the road. i suppose i could wake up at 7:30AM and get there just fine. but that's only four and half hours away. still waiting for kaleo to call.

it's probably just going to go awful anyway.

i have a terrible disposition at the moment.

i quit.

Nov. 10th, 2009

self

to begin again?!

it's intimidating to start writing again! it's been quite a while now. so much has changed and developed and descriptive words, descriptive words!

i suppose i can just pick up from what's on my mind now.

it's been a long day. i'm generally overwhelmed by life. course work. volunteering. money. graduation. employment. the future! so much stoof that makes up a life. it's all very difficult to balance when you think about it. maybe the best balance comes from keeping yourself so busy that you don't have the time to sit down and think about what you're actually doing. i kind of hope one day in the future i have a steady nine to five job that takes up all of my time to the point where i don't have time to think. oh that's awful. i must not actually feel that way, right? maybe i do.

i've never really thought i'd want to work corporate before either, but it's becoming part of my everyday idea of a future goal. i think it's the easiest solution at the moment. sell bits of my soul to deep pockets, cash the pay checks and play the game. i know i can play the game. i'll be damn good at it too. simply, i really like people. as long as i'm in an office where i talk and interact with people, i'll be happy as a clam (for a while). doesn't even matter if most of them are douche bags. i even like conversing with douche bags. i don't discriminate on any level really. at least i like to think i don't.

i feel very anxious. probably because i've discovered that i really like for every aspect of my day to be planned out and expected. i'm most comfortable functioning that way. if something changes midday, i have this awful temper-tantrum feeling. i'm sure this is the feeling i had when i was younger and would hold my breath until i passed out or cry until i vomited. i guess now i have the ability to rationalize it and hide my emotions well enough to move on and eventually surpass the moment where i could break down. anyway, anxiety.

anxiety still runs pretty strong through this body of mine. it's nowhere near when i had my issues two years ago, but it's still something i battle. i haven't had a full on panic attack in quite some time but i've felt the tinglings of them pretty often. i suppose i know now how to work through it. or at least acknowledge them to the point where i can feel in control. i think when i had my spout of reality, i felt completely out of control. as well as being completely blindsided by a condition i wasn't very well versed on to begin with didn't help at all. i just felt like i was going crazy. and andrew supported that thought by telling me verbatim that i was crazy and there were something wrong with me. oh, andrew.

i'm glad we're not speaking anymore. it makes it easier on our relationship. our friendship. in all honesty, our ship is one that shouldn't have ever set sail in the first place. we were pretty volatile at most moments. we didn't have good conditions for setting sail.

knowing what a relationship should be now. or at least what it should feel like, its hard to credit any of my prior experiences with the label of relationship. there's something different about how i feel towards kaleo. it's amazing. it's without words. which is perfect, right? i hate words. it makes sense to me that the strongest feeling i've ever had is one that i can't really put into words. and it's with him. ah, meant to be. i know we'll hit hiccups and trials but i know it'll all be fine because of this feeling.

small hiccup: him not calling me tonight after going out to the bars! doesn't call until 3AM. bars close at 2AM. i worry until youcallmeAM. we've had this discussion once before where i get upset from him not letting me know where he is after going out drinking. i worry. i guess i also get jealous he's not with me. i get lonely even? i see him everyday but i just really like spending time with him. having him here is amazing. so now i'm waiting on him to get home from his house. he's helping a roommate and friend put together an IKEA bookshelf i believe? i'll try not to be bitchy about not calling but it does upset me. especially if i'm already kind of emotional from PMS. i don't want to hound him but if something bothers me, i'll say something. that sounds just to me. hopefully it doesn't seem very nagging. communication is key!

so i've written a good amount of nothing of real substance i fear. hope i haven't lost my substance.

petty 'plaint begin:

having WAY too much stuff!! god my apartment is so messy but i have nowhere to put any of this crap. i need to seriously get rid of so much. still have boxes in the spare bedroom and i've been here for, um, three months? yeah need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

petty 'plain end.

Jul. 22nd, 2008

self

i need

out of this funk.

Jul. 21st, 2008

self

rounding my well-being: it's hip to be square.

i've spend the past two days in my apartment. i really haven't left for anything and i'm ok with that. it's nice to hull up in one space for an allotted amount of time in my mind. it brings me down. i always feel as if i'm jumping from one thing to another. from one person to another- and i mean i am. i really am. i suppose that might simply be life in it's rawest form- the jump. i'm doing this. now i'm not. i'm now doing this. now i'm not. i'm doing this.

i enjoy sitting in one place knowing moments are flying by me without affection. when i sit i'm no longer being affected by the world. if i can just stay put i feel put together. i know it's not a meaningful existence nor a substantial way to live- but god is it nice. to breathe in with content and out with even more. i sit there for i am. sitting is an ancient form of prayer and meditation after all. one can learn a lot from sitting.

i'm really eager to learn. i think it may be one of my downfalls. not the urge to learn but the eagerness. i'm so hungry for life that i affect my own outcomes and inputs far too much. i want to hold the strings of this life so that i get everything just right in my head. when in actuality there are no strings and i'm caught up in this grand delusion of control and creation.

"when there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire."

a line from a song i'm listening to.

this band and their words make me think of andrew even more than i already am. i'm curious to know if he thinks of me too. in my head i have these fantasies that we'll meet up for wine. drink, smoke and talk of things and nothings. it'll be like the old days. it'll be like the two years we had together. god that's hard to believe it's been a year ago this summer that our end was just beginning.

it's an odd thing to be apart from someone. i could elaborate more on my thoughts of andrew but i think it'd be more talking in circles and really not beneficial. the best way to get over this is to ignore it.

i miss him.
i think.

i am excited to see what tomorrow brings. degree plan at 10AM. work out? walk? swim? lay out? read? walk to the square? tea possibly? i need more activities in my life. though sitting is nice i can't do it every day. and the more i do it- the more i will want to do it everyday.

thinking:
i didn't think you'd come but i hoped you would so i was still disappointed when you didn't.
slowly disconnecting.
disappointment disconnecting one event at a time.

come pick me up before seconds before the fall. that would be nice.hold your hands out before i trip, ok? precaution precaution precaution. make me laugh before i cry so that the tears don't come without a smile.

if you'd only knock on the window i'd let you share it with me. it's really amazing. i do love it. you can see everything from here. people, places, things- everything and nothing rolled together into a view from this window. i'd let you have the rocking chair that doesn't have enough space to rock. it does has just enough room to be a chair though and i'd let you have it.

i remember the nights you'd climb through my window. it was everything i'd ever hoped it would be. kissing as soon as you mouth entered my room. even before you feet could touch the carpet our lips would meet. how romantic! how beautiful those moments were. and still are! i don't think i'll ever forget those things. i'll always be in love with the boy who came through this window. who braved the thorny bushes and spidery shadows. who loved me enough to crawl through the window.

i like to talk to you. that's good enough for me right now. that's honestly all i want from you.

Ryan Adams and Stars (HEART) put together equal a good idea of how i feel at this moment.

ok it's four... i wish i had someone to stay up with me. i don't think i'd like to sleep tonight.

petty 'plaint begin:
the hours i spend looking at the people i admire on facebook and always feeling insufficient afterwards.

petty 'plaint end.

Jul. 11th, 2008

self

words

there aren't any that will ever describe what a feeling feels like. you will forever be inadequate words, inadequate! i hate words.

Jun. 11th, 2008

self

the great RV adventure

THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY!

it's coming.
what i'm looking forward to:

seeing the grand canyon.
the badlands.
las vegas.
pike's peak.
old faithful.
mount rushmore.
true blue americana.

spending over two weeks with my maternal grandparents and 12 year old cousin.

traveling in a huge RV for an extended amount of time.

digital disconnect - leaving my phone, internet, modern-day social connectivity at home.

hitting the open road with open eyes, heart and mind.

being away from the influential world- friends, immediate family, media, everything in my everyday life.

i see this journey being something hopefully profound for me. really leaving everything behind me for a while. all my anxieties, my thoughts, my worries. i want to experience everything i can and not take anything for granted. this is going to be truly a trip of a lifetime.

this is probably one of my last opportunities to spend this much time with my grandparents. how lucky am i to get the chance to take such an amazing adventure with them? i'm going to keep focused on that fact throughout the trip. i know it's so easy to fall into the easy annoyances of everyday abrasions, but i really need to move through that flawed humanity and enjoy my time on the trip.

i have noticed i've been reacting quite a bit lately. for a while, after the breakdown- i was really good at not reacting quite so much. keeping it absorbent and not reflective. i need to work on that again. i think it was so much easier when i was freshly scared. so much easier to live. living scared, gave life more depth. now i feel like i'm barely scratching the surface again. waiting for the next big event to happen. maybe the key to feeling content is knowing there is never another big event. all events are equally proportioned in the grand scheme of things. being born weighs as much as dying. beginning school is just as momentous as graduating. having a panic attack is just as important as not.

tangent. where did i begin?

oh i'm reactive. it's true. i loathe my reactive states. i can hear, feel and instantly regret my reactions as they happen. something to work on for sure.

i've sort of packed for the trip. it's in a huge mound in my room- i suppose that counts as sort of packed. i still need to weed out the mound though. i know grammy would have a heart attack if she saw how much i have set out to take at this moment. i tend to over-pack. not with this trip though! i'm going minimalist. i am. i am. i am. it's simply going to take a couple of edits to get there.

oh how i would love to be a minimalist. i just love to collect. i'm a collecting minimalist.

some important trip take-alongs:

postcard stamps : 40.
i think this should be plenty. i've gathered the addresses
i really wanted and don't think i'll go over 40 cards.

camera : 2.
digital
i'm bringing my laptop to dump photos on so i can shoot
an obnoxious amount of travel shots.
polaroid (old but not too old)
i want to snap a few polaroids just to have. i think it'll be
neat to have some from this trip to put together perhaps.

paper/pens : lots.
i think i'll need some creative outlet for the journey. writing,
sketching, who knows.

books : lots.
i'd like to read some of the classics on this trip. really read.
i'll raid my mother's collection and see what i can come up with.
i've already got some enlightening books to read and re-read
(Nothing Special, buddhist practice books, The Art of Living...)

no music... i'm deciding.
somehow i think it would be such an awesome feeling to be listening to the stones or dylan as we travel miles upon miles upon miles around the country.

open road and open mind. might be more appealing. like i said,
i'm deciding.

ok, i'm just rambling by this point. little crazy momma is attempting to move my iphoto library to discs but looks like something's gone terribly wrong and its now empty. goodbye memories. to her defense, some were memories i don't mind deleting.

andrew anniversaries (though the second year i was HOT NAKED. thanks anxiety weight loss!)
anything kj related (though andrew deleted most of those)
stoner days
...

i'm off to a bath. gotta love detachable shower heads. i think it may be my best friend here at home.


goodnight sweet livejournal. oh and pandora has treated me so well while writing this! fucking love pandora. i don't care how much my ego tries to make me stray away from the cliche indie stuff, i do love me some belle & sebastian. (and okkervil river who just came on while editing.)

hugs and kisses.

May. 5th, 2008

self

i know it's been a while

but i'm back.

more later.

Mar. 4th, 2008

self

patience

is so hard to keep when your roommate is a douche.

i'm speaking of ryan (the one who replaced dan). ryan is a whole new breed of douche- much different than dan the douche, but still a douche nonetheless.

it's hard to describe why i have this uncontrollable feeling of hate for his existence but here are his last couple myspace bulletins to help out my case against him:

Mar 4, 2008 6:13 PM
Subject: Girls
Body: "are so typical I wish I could meet one that actually impressed me. One that was NOT an insecure snobb I can't stand girls who feel the need to express their opinions all the time and who aren't open minded to others. Is there any SANE women out there? If you are or think you are one please reply!"


come onnn. "IS THERE ANY SANE WOMEN OUT THERE?" maybe if he had the whole grammar thing down he might have a chance. well ok let's be honest, he will never have a chance in hell because he's got the intelligence and personality of a fucking rock.


Date: Mar 3, 2008 11:10 PM
Subject: I'm sick of
Body: "spending these lonely nights training myself not to care"

you are so stupid.


Date: Mar 1, 2008 2:24 PM
Subject: It's official
Body: "If you're reading this You probably won't reply So just know that you are LAME! expect deletion The end is coming soon!"


that one makes me a bit happy to know other people don't pay him any attention either. i fucking have to live with him though. forcing me to at least hear his whiny, attention-hungry rants around the apartment. sometimes he'll just come into the kitchen saying things like "i'm so stupid! stupid. stupid. stupid." and if i ignore him (which i have been doing a lot of lately due to the fact i'm sick and don't give a shit) he keeps going on and on until someone says something to him. or he starts singing... poor boy thinks he has talent. i haven't the heart to tell him his voice is not unlike the sound of a cat in heat. maybe one of these days i'll crush that ego of his. i'll save that evil for a rainy day.

Date: Feb 29, 2008 11:33 AM
Subject: MMM
Body: "Coffee!"

let me edit that one>
Subject: MMM
Body: "Cayla's coffee tastes so delicious when made in Cayla's coffee pot with
Cayla's coffee filters fixed with Cayla's creamer in one of Cayla's coffee
mugs that I love to bitch, bitch, bitch about having too many of!"


Date: Feb 28, 2008 3:19 PM
Subject: Updated my profile
Body: "You should check it out I put up an amazing song too! Reminds me of cigarettes in the winter of 04-05"

your taste in music sucks. your taste in everything pretty much sucks. i hate you and your taste both. and ohh you're so cool. cigarettes in the winter of 04-05? DUUUUUDE i didn't know you smoked in the winter of 04-05. that's totally rad, man. fuckin' yeah. i wish you still smoked now, that way you'd die quicker.

now, now. that was pretty harsh. i really don't want him to smoke now. because if he did smoke now he'd be out there bothering the shit out of me when i'm smoking.

if he started i'm pretty sure i'd quit for that reason alone.

Date: Feb 27, 2008 11:22 PM
Subject: FROM NOW ON
Body: "If you don't reply I'm deleting you bitches..."


how about you do everyone a favor and delete yourself, asshole?


Date: Feb 26, 2008 1:40 PM
Subject: All of you beautiful people!
Body: "You should all take contemporary biology!! Remember it's CONTEMPORARY for all you people like me who have faith! It will show you and help you realize how blessed or "lucky" you truly are!"


he's fucking failing that class. i can't tell you how many flashcards i had to go through with him one night for one fucking test. he makes flash cards for every single test. granted they work for some people, but for god's sake, REALIZE THEY DON'T WORK FOR YOU! just fucking study and learn the material. don't waste five hours making out notecards defining only the vocabulary from the chapter... lameass.

& "for all you people like me who have faith!" whaaaaa? what the hell is this supposed to mean? is he shouting out to the christians out there? i don't get it. he claims to be buddhist or some shit. maybe that's because he hears the mantras i listen to at night to help me fall asleep and thought he'd be "cool" if he named-dropped buddha one day. who knows.


Date: Feb 25, 2008 10:02 PM
Subject: My Mom
Body: "Is amazing! I'm so glad the SHE is mine, and honestly, how she is a Taurus! I would be lost without her, and I have fallen in love with her just like she did when she first laid eyes on me!
p.s. I didn't cry when I came out...WHAT NOW?!"


i wonder if his mother knows how obnoxious her son has turned out. i wonder if SHE even likes him? maybe it's like that saying, "he has a face only a mother could love." i haven't met her yet though, so maybe she's just as bad as he is.

i hope he cries when he comes out of that big rainbow colored closet he's hiding in. fucking closet homo. i'm not being mean, i'm just saying the boy is obviously gay. he needs to come to grips with it... seriously.


Date: Feb 25, 2008 11:20 AM
Subject: Bees and The Heat
Body: "are what I can't stand about the summer! But on a more positive note, with a little bit of fairy dust and one happy thought I learned how to fly!!"


see i told you. gay as a male dancer on a cruise ship.


i would love it if he were to move out. maybe that room is cursed to have shitty people move into it. i love carl. i love annie. i literally want to vomit on ryan.

i guess you really can't always get what you want.

Feb. 12th, 2008

self

i feel an overwhelming sense of

blahness. kinda sad, kinda not. these pills give me the inability to cry. i think i might need to just cry for a little. maybe i'll cut an onion and let the good times roll.
self

seven by vagiant

is a pretty fun song.

i found it by being creepy and looking at an old friend from high school's myspace page. i feel odd saying friend. i doubt she would consider me a friend, i bet if she were to say something in reference to me it would be more like, "this girl i went to high school with." oh well. not a biggy. i guess i consider more people friends than they consider me to be. doesn't matter, just an observation.

anyway was being creepy because i think she's is still emotionally linked to another friend and i was curiously snooping around to see what information i could gather about that status. see, this friend will surely call me a friend, we grew up together. he was one of my very first friends. probably a friend before i could say friend. i'm not sure how our mothers met, i guess church? he's just a month older than i am, so i bet they were pregnant at the same time and met during something or another... i don't know. i'll stop trying. he's nice and he's a piece of my childhood.

oooh thunder. i love this weather. i wish every day were like it is right now at 3:06 AM. mmm dark and delicious.

conclusions i've come to:

i'm not looking for any sort of relationship or romantic connection with anyone. i don't have the time nor the
patience to get to know anyone new.
i'm the happiest when i'm so tired from accomplishing things.
i enjoy cassettes far more than i ever enjoyed cds.
i feel fairly put together at the moment.
i hope jade stays in denton. i just remet her and want to be selfish and say i want her to stay here though i
know she'd probably be happiest somewhere else.
i don't WANT to find anyone. (that's slightly different than the first listed item)
i enjoy my roommates and really appreciate the way we all worked out to be really compatible
i think i have a greater purpose in the universe and am ecstatic to figure out what it is.
i found my spiritual guide thanks to a cassette i found at goodwill. i'm beyond thrilled.
i need to go to bed.
i like playing rough.
i don't like hickies. (ESPECIALLY not visible ones.)
i don't like scratches.
i do like spending time with lucas. (and his boys.)
i love the way my room is looking these days.
i love my fish.
i'm going to bed.


good night universe. i exude positive energy into the world so all may absorb a tiny piece of the peace they might be looking for. i walk into tomorrow's day as a bright-eyed bushy tailed being with awareness and appreciation. thank you for a lovely day.

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